Episode 104:Personal Loss

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Welcome back to another episode
of a record, My Father.

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Today we're going to be talking
about a really fun topic, loss.

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So you have a lot of loss in
your life or 'cause you wanted

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this topic, right?
You wanted to talk.

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Yeah, I, I, I, I, I want to talk
about it because I just went to

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a celebration of life for a guy
that I kind of knew just a very

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little bit.
And his name was Jean Lee.

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And he was a uncle of a relative
of ours and he's just a really

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friendly, sweet person.
I knew him, you know, barely.

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But everybody, 250 people in the
room, it was a, it was just a

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wonderful thing.
And it's a wonderful thing,

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showing of love of what people
feel or think of you or someone

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when they go.
And and it just sort of made me

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think, oh, what kind of losses
have I seen in my life?

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And then I guess, you know, what
are at least three people going

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to show up to mine when I die?
And you know, I figured the two

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dogs, but I'm not quite sure.
But anyway, that's what sort of

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like got me to think about it
and say, wow, that's kind of a

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cool topic and it's a cool thing
to think about.

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And then I started like looking
through life and, you know, and

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I'm thinking when we say lost,
it's not, it's not about pets.

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I, I, I know that many people.
And I would say that of the

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people that have died that I
know a lot of times my cats and

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my dogs were much more important
than they were.

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And I feel a lot more lost from
that.

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But I think we should really
kind of focus on, you know, the

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personalness of, of people that
you knew that that died, that,

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that you gave a shit about.
And I, and I mean when you think

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about it, what, what is lost to
you?

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Lost to me is my 14 year old
goldfish that I won at McClain

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Day in.
Oh gosh, what was it?

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It must have been like 2010 or
something.

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No, no, it's still like 2009.
And I had him forever.

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Oh my, you remember him?
He never had a name either.

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Killed all the other fish that
you put in a tank with.

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We raised killers.
That's how we did Brown House.

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I must have been like 9 or 8
years.

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OK, if you were nine, then it
was 2009 because you were born.

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Yeah.
OK.

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Yes.
And then, and then what?

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How did?
What was the demise of this

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goldfish?
I just died of old age because

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he was like 14 years old.
Where'd he go?

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Well I gave him to an
ex-girlfriend and then he lived

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in the pond.
Yeah, after I went away.

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Did she say he lived for another
three years after that?

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After we broke up?
And I was like, I'm surprised

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she didn't strangle the hell out
of it or something like that,

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right?
Did she show you like paint on

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goldfish?
Afterward.

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I don't know.
You don't want to eat a

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goldfish.
That's that's a nasty taste,

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I've heard.
Really.

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I don't know.
We should give it a shot.

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A little goldfish machine.
Well, I think it's like carp,

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you know?
Or, well, it's a bottom feeder,

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right?
That's pretty much what it's

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like.
It's like carp.

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Carp eats poop off the bottom,
so the cat catfish eat poop too.

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And they're not.
The channel cats are nasty, but

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mud cats are pretty good.
Good old mud cat.

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Yeah, but you know, you fry them
and you, you put in a seasoning

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and ketchup and you know Ollie.
What is the hamster?

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What are the hamster?
Yeah, he died.

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Yeah, he we got him when he was
his name.

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Oh, Jenny Tails.
Yeah, yeah.

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You guys hated me for that name.
That was my idea.

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What the name of that genitals
was the original idea for me and

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then you said?
That's what you said you were

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like genitals and and your and
your mother's like yelling, no,

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you can't do that.
I'm going, well, let's call it.

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Then I looked at her and I go,
Jenny.

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She goes like Jenny.
Oh, OK, that's OK.

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We'll call the it's a female
hamster.

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We'll call it Jenny.
Jenny Tails she got so.

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She was not happy about that
one.

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No, I remember that.
Stop calling to get jacket

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towels.
What did she call it?

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He had gigantic testicles.
He had gigantic.

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Oh God, that was the biggest
testicles on a hamster I've ever

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seen in my entire life.
I've never seen bigger testicles

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on a hamster, or any animal for
that matter.

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They were the size of a nickel.
Oh yeah, maybe even bigger.

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You know, it was crazy you.
Know that's like twice the size

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of mine.
I know exactly.

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That's what I was thinking about
myself when I look at that,

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yeah.
Mine are more like Dimes, but

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anyway.
Well, you are you need what were

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we thinking about so the first
time that.

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Fluffy mufkins is.
Actually, yeah, that was the

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alternative name, right?
Yeah, the alternative name

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because.
He could handle.

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The truth.
Yeah, he bit.

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He bit me a lot.
Shit.

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Out of everybody, what a mean
ass hamster.

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No.
And then he died.

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He was of old age.
And then of my mom.

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No, he froze to death or he died
of old age, I don't know.

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It's like.
Three years and.

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But he told or she came in.
She's like, I think he died

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while you were at school.
I was like, all right, OK.

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Yeah, this was not a it.
Was not a big yeah yeah it.

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Wasn't a big deal, you know?
Yeah, it wasn't.

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Do you think size is direct
proportion to how much you care

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about something?
Well, you were with me when we

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put down Cassandra.
Yeah, that sucked.

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Remember that?
That sucked.

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And and that was cat we'd had
for 19 years.

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That was 21 years.
Oh, we got.

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That was Fromage.
We got that cat from your

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grandmother because she had barn
kitties, brought them up here

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and said, hey, if you don't take
them, they're going to be killed

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by my Rottweilers because she
raised Rottweilers.

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So we sort of got snuffed into
getting the, what is it Fromage

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and Cassandra.
And we had those.

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I had Cassandra for 19, we had
him for 19 years.

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And I told the wife that she had
it.

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She was, she was down to 7 lbs.
It's a 12 LB cat.

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So it was on her way out.
She had kidney problems and they

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were going to start giving her
fluids every week.

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And I talked to a buddy that I
knew her partner had mentioned

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that he tried that and it was
the most horrible thing in the

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world because it freaked the cat
out.

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The cat ran away from him every
week when he came near it.

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And it was just.
You're talking about the

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hydration shot like the bye.
Yeah, so I told her we were

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going to whack the cat and she
was like, oh, yeah, sure.

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OK, I'm, I'm going to go to the
beach this weekend.

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I was like, so you don't want to
be there.

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Yeah, yeah, you're going to go.
And I, it's got I, I made the

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appointment.
I showed her the appointment.

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She still didn't believe it.
And then when you and I called

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her, we went in, we whacked the
cat.

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It was just, it was heart
wrenching because you're holding

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the cat, you're petting the cat,
you're loving the cat for the

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last time.
You realize physically the cat

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itself is like, yeah, in
distress.

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Do you think we should have
waited for?

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For what?
For her to come back from the

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beach.
To do it, No, I think she should

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have believed us when we told
her that we were going to do it.

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And then we set up an
appointment that Saturday

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morning and told her that that
we were going to do it.

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And when you, there's a certain
thing about when you do that,

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you have to emotionally set
yourself up for that.

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You know what I mean?
Yeah, going in there, I was

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like, this is not going to be
fun.

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This is not going.
To be a good though.

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But that was me and you.
And it's like I, I don't, I she

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didn't believe us and I didn't
understand why, and I think

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because she didn't want to.
Well, the realization of it all,

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that you're going to lose this
thing that you've known for 20

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years kind of sucks.
I don't know.

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I think that that's not a, it's
not a believable thing of saying

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goodbye for the last time.
It's just not a, not something

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that will strike you as real.
Yeah.

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Yeah, it's just it.
And we, we, he gives the cat the

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shot to sedate it, get to sleep,
breathing fine.

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And then the second shots, the,
the kill shot, so to speak, and

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boom, cat's dead.
And he goes, she's there with

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the veg and goes, she's gone.
And that was 2 minutes.

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And then we were playing with
our arms after and saying it's.

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Lie.
That's a lie.

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No, we didn't.
We cried.

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No, we didn't.
We didn't do that.

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We.
Cried.

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I did that with my mother.
Yeah, that was much more.

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It was much bizarre.
I do too, man.

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Yeah.
We weren't going to talk about

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animals.
I thought we were going to talk

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about people.
You do have an interesting way

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of overcoming loss though 'cause
I think humor for you is a big

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part of it.
Oh God, yes.

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But I didn't, I didn't have
that.

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I mean, my first loss was I was
like 6 or 7 years old.

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I had somebody that my father
used to go to the bar and take

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me with him because it was
before I was old enough to go to

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school.
I think it was like 6.5 or 6 or

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or around six.
And I had somewhat of a coin

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collection because I'd gotten
them from my, I'd gotten some

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given to me from my, one of my
uncles and my grandfather and a

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few others had given me coins
and I put them together and I

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had this 1900 O silver dollar.
And it just so happened that

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the, the owner of the bar that
we went to called the Steerhouse

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was named Darryl Smith.
And he collected silver dollars

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and he had the Morgan collection
of silver dollars, but he was

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missing the 1900 O And he wanted
it.

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I mean, it was like 10 bucks or
something like that, but 10

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bucks in 1966 was serious Jack.
But anyway, he, he, we, I did

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things.
I did work for him.

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He'd have me sweep out this
store room and give me $2.00 or

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$4.00 or whatever.
I did all sorts of little

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things.
I ran across the bank with his

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deposits for a week and I
deposited them.

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It was all, it was like
thousands of dollars in cash.

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And he gives it to a 6 1/2 year
old and I run across the street,

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give it to the bank.
Lately.

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He looks at me like, what?
I have a deposit.

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You do, you do.
And she smiles like I'm joking.

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I said it's for the steerhouse.
And I open up the pack.

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She opens and she's like looking
inside.

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She looks at me and she looks at
the pack and goes, yeah, I

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usually, I usually when I do
that, I have a gun.

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But I figured no one's going to
mess with this kid.

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So anyway, we're talking about
selling the silver dollar.

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And then like within a week he
gets broadsided coming home from

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work one night.
He got hit or he ran the light.

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I don't know what happened.
It hit him on the driver's side

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and it, you know, crossed him,
killed him.

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And then they had the funeral.
And I remember going to the

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funeral and the funeral was
just, you know, his wife was

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like mid 30s.
She has two kids, her husband's

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dead.
He runs a business.

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There's nobody run the business
anymore.

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I don't know whatever happened
to them.

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I went there and I think for the
life of me, I, if I remember, I

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gave him the silver dollar and I
said it's a token, a memory and

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I gave it to her, I believe.
And I'm just like trying to

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remember.
I'm hoping I did.

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Maybe I didn't, who knows.
Anyway, I think back to that

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time and I'm like, because I
remember I'd never met her

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before, never met her kids
before.

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The kids were, you know, a
little bit younger than me, but

224
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:17,520
that was my first exposure to
death, you know, death of a

225
00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:19,480
person.
My next, my next one was a

226
00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:23,360
grandfather.
I think he died.

227
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:25,680
I don't think I ever saw his
body.

228
00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:30,440
I saw, I also saw Daryl Smith's
body and the they had an open

229
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,240
cough in myself.
I never understood that.

230
00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:35,280
The open cough and wake thing.
Well, why do we do that?

231
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,280
Why do we do that?
I don't think that's really I.

232
00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:39,440
Don't know.
I think it's so odd.

233
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:45,560
I think that if you think to
like animals that that in a lot

234
00:11:45,560 --> 00:11:52,240
of ways people are the same way
that they they need that person

235
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:58,280
dead in front of them to let go
that that's a that's a serious,

236
00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:00,800
that's a closure.
You know, if your eyes are

237
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:04,320
closing all that.
I mean, much later in life, I

238
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:08,120
went to a funeral, a friend of
mine who was the best man in my

239
00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:12,560
wedding, Peter Viss.
I went to his funeral.

240
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:15,680
I got there really early.
I found about it that like the

241
00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:19,480
last minute and flew down there
and then Uber out to there.

242
00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:23,680
His really funny stories.
It's like the most expensive

243
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:27,240
Uber I've ever done.
Anyway, I get there like 8:00 in

244
00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:29,560
the morning and the funeral is
not supposed to start till 11:00

245
00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:32,600
or 11:30.
And then the director goes, do

246
00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:42,400
you want to sit with him?
And I was like, and I go in and

247
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:48,880
he's in a room in a coffin,
coffins open and I just walk up

248
00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:52,320
and sit down, sit down next to
him and look And I like picked

249
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:55,040
up his, held his hand, looked at
him.

250
00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:59,360
You know, I could see that, you
know, he'd, he'd done yard work

251
00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:02,040
and stuff, 'cause you can see
like the fingernails, there were

252
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:04,640
third under the fingernails.
And then he was a mechanic,

253
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:07,440
'cause he was an engine, He, he
could fix anything.

254
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:08,920
He just had that kind of
mindset.

255
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:11,280
This was your dog.
Take it apart.

256
00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:13,600
This is your neighbor, right?
This is your neighbor growing

257
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:15,520
up.
No, Yeah, yeah.

258
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:17,120
Neighbor growing up down in the
court.

259
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:18,280
Yeah, yeah.
That's what I thought.

260
00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:19,440
OK.
Yeah, yeah.

261
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:22,120
And he was my same age, went
through high school together.

262
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:24,840
We got in a big fight in high
school and then we, we're not

263
00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:27,960
friends for like 4 years.
And he went in the Navy, then he

264
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:29,800
came out of the Navy and then we
became friends again.

265
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,600
It's it just, it's one of those
things that was just like

266
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:34,760
whatever.
And then we were friends for a

267
00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:36,880
long, long, long time.
We'd see each other.

268
00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:43,000
And then we just kind of, we
kind of broke apart probably in

269
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,320
our late 40s.
And then I hadn't seen him for

270
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:47,280
like 4 or five years.
Then I get a call from my sister

271
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:48,640
and then I go there and I see
that.

272
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:53,040
And it was just, it was seeing
him there.

273
00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:57,640
And you know what he was, I
hadn't seen him in probably 5 or

274
00:13:57,640 --> 00:13:59,720
10 years.
You know, physically what

275
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:04,320
happens to your body over time?
And, and I was just like that.

276
00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:08,280
That's closure that it, it gives
you that thing that you don't,

277
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:11,040
you know, I mean, you've been to
funerals.

278
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:14,040
Yeah, I want your, your
brother's funeral.

279
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:16,040
I think that was one of them.
Oh yeah.

280
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:20,840
And then he did a wake, too.
If I remember kid, he yeah,

281
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:23,280
yeah, yeah, he was.
He had a wake, right?

282
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:26,040
Yeah.
Now, not that I remember.

283
00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:29,960
Who am I thinking of then?
I'm pretty sure he did.

284
00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:33,960
I'm like 90% sure.
'Cause we went there and then we

285
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:36,200
went back to the house, the
party that was that was I.

286
00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:39,440
Remember there was a showing?
I think there's multiple days

287
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:42,320
but it's a showing.
It's the same thing as a wake,

288
00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:43,600
is it not?
No, the viewing.

289
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:45,960
They do a viewing.
That's what that's what I mean

290
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:47,560
by wake.
They do a viewing and then they

291
00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:50,400
do the other stuff, yeah.
But is awake the same thing as a

292
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:53,160
viewing?
No, no.

293
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,600
Oh, that was saying.
Viewing's just you, just no wake

294
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:57,920
is where you just go there and
everybody hangs out and they

295
00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:00,120
party and they talk and they
just share.

296
00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:03,000
They share stories.
Oh, OK with, not with.

297
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,720
Not the guy.
There, but not the dude there.

298
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:07,840
Well, the dude's dead, so.
But he's in the room though.

299
00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:10,040
I think so, yeah.
Open.

300
00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:11,600
Casket.
They're closed.

301
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:16,440
I think you know I it depends.
I mean, OK, so I think.

302
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,640
It's so it's kind of the same.
Thing is it not?

303
00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:22,400
Their own weird taste, you know,
I mean, because they have Irish

304
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:24,760
wakes where you go and everybody
gets together and they get just

305
00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:27,840
hammered and they tell stories
about the deceased and all the

306
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:29,600
different things in his life
that were wonderful and

307
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,240
beautiful and, you know, or the
things that are crappy.

308
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:33,520
I mean, you know, whatever you
want to do.

309
00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:35,880
Well, he was Catholic too, so I
think that, yeah, there there

310
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,240
was a viewing list.
Yeah, I think so.

311
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:39,320
Right.
Were they not?

312
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:41,800
Not really, no, I thought.
It was a Catholic Church, was it

313
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:43,600
not?
Yeah, but he's not.

314
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:46,520
He.
He Weirdly, he was a Cantor in a

315
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:51,360
Catholic Church for 30 years and
he never accepted Catholic

316
00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:53,600
faith.
He was not.

317
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:55,320
And they said, well, we'll do
your funeral.

318
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:57,920
And you're like, OK.
Well, that's what his his son

319
00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:00,160
said, I think, too.
It was like, yeah, he just goes

320
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:01,720
to church to sing and that's
about it.

321
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,960
And that's.
It no, that's what he did.

322
00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:08,200
There was no, there was no
religious connection there, you

323
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:12,200
know, but it was like, I
remember the same thing with

324
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:16,160
him, not the same.
It was different because it was

325
00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:20,720
I was a lot closer to him and I
his was a lot longer, slower,

326
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:23,520
uglier thing, not like my
mother's.

327
00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:26,960
But you know, you just see him
every week and I'd see him every

328
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:31,960
week for about 10 months and
then he died and then I was down

329
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:37,840
there.
They, they, I don't know, it's.

330
00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:41,640
I think what's interesting too,
it's it's not the idea of

331
00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:45,160
getting over it, but just
accepting that it has happened

332
00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:47,960
because there's no such thing as
getting over death in my

333
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,040
opinion.
It's accepting that it has

334
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:53,560
happened in your life and that
you're maybe not going to move

335
00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:57,200
on, but that you have adjusted
to the new normal, right?

336
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,000
I think that that's it.
Yeah.

337
00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:01,760
I mean, I think that I think
that the adjustment changes over

338
00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:04,760
time.
Oh for sure, As time grows, I.

339
00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:06,720
Mean when I look at the When I
look at the different people

340
00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:10,160
that died in my life, it's like
my father.

341
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:14,480
It took me at least 2 minutes to
adjust in my.

342
00:17:16,079 --> 00:17:19,400
Two whole minutes.
Oh my God, we were horrible.

343
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:24,880
I remember, I remember when he
died, he had his mouth open.

344
00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:27,280
It's like that.
It's fun.

345
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:32,200
It was comical, you know, my
mother kept trying to shut his

346
00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:36,240
mouth and it was just the
weirdest thing in the world to

347
00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:38,920
see her grab his jaw and move it
up and try to shut it.

348
00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:44,280
And then, jeez.
And then we were going to make

349
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:47,000
goldfish jokes and we thought
that was kind of horrible, but

350
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:49,320
we didn't do it.
And I don't know it.

351
00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:53,040
We're just, we're just kind of
some sick bastards when it comes

352
00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:54,920
to stuff like that.
Well, I think that's interesting

353
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:57,840
because you always told me that
he was a big yeller and even

354
00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,600
after he died, his mouth was
open like he was yelling, which

355
00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:02,040
I think is.
Yeah, yeah, that's, that's a

356
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:04,720
good point because he was a
screamer all the time, just like

357
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:11,400
24/7, you know, from about 3:30
in the morning until 8:00 at

358
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:16,560
night, every day, wake up.
Gosh.

359
00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:22,000
God damn it.
Good times, Good times.

360
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:26,400
Yeah, wonderful times there.
Well, I mean, it, it those kind

361
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:30,120
of things, you know, a lot of
people adjust to it and they

362
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:32,200
they deal with it in all their
different ways.

363
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:33,920
And, you know, that's what he
was.

364
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:38,640
And you can there's all sorts of
reasons that it could have been

365
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:42,400
that he, you know, he was in
Okinawa, he was at, he hit the

366
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:44,800
beaches in lady, he was in
horrible things.

367
00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:50,840
And there's Korea, right?
Yeah, Korea, World War 2, just

368
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:53,560
really, really horrible
campaigns.

369
00:18:53,800 --> 00:19:00,160
But you know, I don't know.
I mean, I, you know, when you

370
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:03,800
look back at that kind of stuff,
but back to when we think about

371
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:08,840
losses, you know, and I think, I
mean, weirdly, you know, when

372
00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:13,840
you know, somebody's going to
die and you see them suffering

373
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:21,760
that when they die, you almost
feel weirdly guilty because you

374
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:25,600
feel better.
And that's a very strange thing.

375
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:27,600
What do you mean that they're
not suffering anymore?

376
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,720
Or are you talking about?
Yeah, well, I, because I, I, I,

377
00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:35,680
I, I that that's the way I feel
about my mother is because she

378
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:41,000
had Alzheimer's and she went
from, you know, not knowing how

379
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:49,280
to drive correctly to not
knowing how to make coffee, to

380
00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:53,080
not knowing how to answer the
phone to or make phone calls.

381
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:57,440
Not, I mean, just slowly.
You watched it have a way.

382
00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:59,480
How?
Many years was that was that 4.

383
00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:00,960
Like yeah, like 4.
Years.

384
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:06,560
And, and during that time frame,
yeah, yeah, it's, it's a long

385
00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:08,960
time.
And we, we were, you know,

386
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:11,880
unfortunately we are very
attentive family members, you

387
00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:16,960
know, because I was there at
least once, maybe twice a week,

388
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,440
once a week, more likely than
twice.

389
00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:22,960
My sister was there 2 * a week.
She was there a lot more than we

390
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:25,120
were.
So you get to see it very, very

391
00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:27,120
closely, which is.
Yeah, you watch you.

392
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:30,440
Watching and the direction.
Yeah, and then, and then when

393
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:33,920
you're losing your mind, you
know within 45 days that she

394
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:37,280
didn't know us, she would smile.
And then she stopped talking.

395
00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:41,360
What do you mean within 45 days?
Of, of her being, once we put

396
00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:45,200
her in a sunrise facility
because we, we had, we had care,

397
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:48,880
we could not get around the
clock care at that time, or we

398
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:53,000
were, we didn't know how or we
didn't have a way to put them in

399
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,720
the house and all sorts of weird
stuff.

400
00:20:55,720 --> 00:21:01,240
But we found a facility that
would, was for dementia

401
00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:06,520
patients, Alzheimer's and they,
they had that care.

402
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:11,920
And it seemed like a really, you
know, your own little room, all

403
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:15,960
the stuff that you needed, your
shower, that a dining hall,

404
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:18,200
people will come and get you if
you don't eat, they'll make sure

405
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:20,160
you get your right meds and
stuff like that.

406
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:25,480
And that at the time seemed like
the best thing to do.

407
00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:29,160
And it worked for a while, but
you still, you, you, you would

408
00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:31,640
see that.
I mean, I, I think about it now,

409
00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:35,560
it's like if you were in one of
those, in one of these

410
00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:39,640
facilities, it's probably as big
as your apartment building,

411
00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:43,840
let's say, and you're never
allowed to leave unless somebody

412
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:47,080
comes and sees you.
You don't, if you don't make

413
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:49,400
friends with people and remember
people with dementia, it's like,

414
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:50,680
I don't know who the hell you
are.

415
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:54,080
And if I, I would be making new
friends every day.

416
00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:58,960
So it isn't a, a there's,
there's, she built some

417
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:03,200
camaraderie there, but it's
very, it's very different.

418
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:06,400
And in the beginning, there's
still some sense of, you know,

419
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:10,920
brain power, I think, to allow
people to know somebody.

420
00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:14,040
You know, I know your face.
I don't know your name.

421
00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:16,920
I don't know who you are, but I
know something or you.

422
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:22,400
It comes in and comes out, but
later nothing, nothing at all.

423
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:26,720
You're just, you're just alive.
And I would say for probably the

424
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:28,520
last eight or nine months, she
was alive.

425
00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:35,200
And so when she died, I mean, I
was like, I was sad that my

426
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:39,920
mother died, but I was also
happy that her suffering ended.

427
00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:43,440
So, you know, you're, you got
the sense of like, wow, you're

428
00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:45,120
glad your mother died, you
asshole.

429
00:22:45,120 --> 00:22:49,720
And it's like, Nah, Nah, that's
not, you know.

430
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:51,720
I think it's the same thing with
your brother too.

431
00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:56,840
I think it's definitely a a part
of it seeing that that horrible

432
00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:58,800
process.
And well, he had deterioration

433
00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:02,400
over time and it was, but his
was compressed into 10 months.

434
00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:05,440
Yeah, yeah.
But it was also, it was

435
00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:10,200
aggressive as well, the brain.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

436
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:14,040
That was a very sad, sad thing.
You know, you, you listen to

437
00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:17,600
that and you're just like, wow,
you just that's still, that's

438
00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:21,200
weirdly.
Who else?

439
00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:24,560
Valerie's father.
He died.

440
00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:28,120
It took he had.
He went very, very quickly.

441
00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:29,520
That was pancreatic cancer.
Right.

442
00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:31,320
Pancreatic cancer, How many
times?

443
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:33,080
We saw him three or four times
and that was it.

444
00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:35,120
Yeah, yeah, 'cause I came back
we.

445
00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:38,760
Were going every couple days
because it was so rapid.

446
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:40,960
The rap, the decline was rapid.
And then all of a sudden at the

447
00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:43,400
end, you go there and you
doesn't even know you're there.

448
00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:47,440
No, when I saw him I was
shocked.

449
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:50,280
I was because I think I saw him
a week apart.

450
00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:54,200
I saw him one week and then I
saw him again and just that in

451
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:57,240
that time alone I was like, this
is going to be fast.

452
00:23:57,920 --> 00:23:59,120
This is going to be
deterioration.

453
00:23:59,120 --> 00:24:00,520
This is going to be really,
really quick.

454
00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:03,600
Yeah, well, that's, I mean when
you think.

455
00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:05,800
Well, he was yellow too.
He was jaundice.

456
00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:08,200
Yeah.
And if you if, if you want to,

457
00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:14,040
if you want to lose it, I mean,
to me, that was a, that was a

458
00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:19,240
good way to go.
I mean, my dad was 21 days, if

459
00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:21,840
that might have been 20.
That's similar to Yeah, I heard

460
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:22,840
that honestly, I.
Mean it was.

461
00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:27,000
It was. 14 or something, yeah.
We went there like twice in one

462
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:30,080
week.
Then the second week they were

463
00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:33,560
like, you got to get him out of
here, He's going to be dead in a

464
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:34,880
few days.
We want to move him to the

465
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:38,240
Hospice.
And then we move him to Hospice

466
00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:44,160
on the third week.
And they're like, you got to get

467
00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:45,680
him out of here.
He's going to live for another

468
00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:48,840
two years because he had lung
cancer.

469
00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:51,720
And then they tell us that on
Saturday, we're all like built

470
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:52,960
up.
And it's like, So what we got to

471
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:55,000
find, we got to find another
healthcare place.

472
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:56,360
And they gave us
recommendations.

473
00:24:56,360 --> 00:24:59,040
And I'm with my brothers and
sisters and my mother's just at

474
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:01,800
this point, she's just sort of,
she didn't know what to do,

475
00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:05,880
which we didn't realize she had.
This is the very beginning of

476
00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:09,080
Alzheimer's, dementia, whatever.
That's why she was getting lost

477
00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:13,440
on the way to the hospital.
But I think the oddest thing was

478
00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:19,880
is that she is that the very
next day died.

479
00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:22,840
Well, that's kind of helpful,
isn't it?

480
00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:25,160
That's kind of helpful.
I mean, it was helpful, but it

481
00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:28,120
was weird.
I mean, but it was like we we

482
00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:30,080
were going to go through this
huge turmoil.

483
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:34,640
There was there was a whole lot
of things that he wasn't taking

484
00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:36,720
care of himself.
She wasn't taking care of him

485
00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:43,200
and he and he showed it
physically and you know, but if

486
00:25:43,360 --> 00:25:46,920
you'd ever lived with him, you'd
understand why that you.

487
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,560
Can't took care of him for for
the you can't.

488
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:54,160
You can't pay somebody that
throws glass at you, no.

489
00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:58,400
No, you.
Can't do that, you know, and.

490
00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:00,760
I think it gets to a point too
where you just, you just don't

491
00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:03,400
do it anymore, right?
Well, no, she didn't.

492
00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:11,520
She was still, she was, she was
programmed very, very well,

493
00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:15,160
sadly, but you would see it.
Do you ever think that that was

494
00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:18,040
attributed to her her mental
condition later on?

495
00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:20,080
No.
No, I saw that.

496
00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:25,480
I saw that 10 years earlier when
we would go out in the backyard

497
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:31,120
to get away and he would lose
his lighter and scream, I mean,

498
00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:35,000
just God damn, you know, as loud
as he could from inside of the

499
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:37,280
house.
And we're in the backyard and

500
00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:39,000
she's like, I I got to go help
him find it.

501
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:45,160
And you're like, no, you don't.
Yeah, I do.

502
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:47,880
I I do.
And then I'd grab her arm and

503
00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:49,680
she still just pulled her arm
away and went inside.

504
00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:54,680
And I was like, whoa.
Yeah, that's a, that's a level

505
00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:57,080
of conditioning.
Yeah, I was just like.

506
00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:01,200
Mother came to her as a child or
something like that, I don't

507
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:03,880
know.
Yeah, that that freaked me out.

508
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:06,400
Yeah.
You know, when I saw that, I was

509
00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:09,200
like, no wonder.
You also told me that there were

510
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:11,680
many times that when you were in
college that she offered you a

511
00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:14,920
salary or something to come back
because.

512
00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:17,560
Yeah.
Yeah, you're just poking me

513
00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:18,240
here, aren't you?
Yeah.

514
00:27:19,320 --> 00:27:21,960
No, I mean, well, she did the
same thing when after I got out

515
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:24,600
of college and I got my first
job, she would be like, you

516
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:25,600
know, you should go to grad
school.

517
00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:28,040
You should go to grad school.
You could live here.

518
00:27:28,520 --> 00:27:29,680
I'll pay for all your grad
school.

519
00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:33,040
You go.
I'm like, Oh my God.

520
00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:35,560
And I got to tell you, when I
left the house, that was the

521
00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:37,440
most amazing thing in the world
for me.

522
00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:39,320
There was a level of freedom
that you talked about that was

523
00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:41,360
completely unlike anything that
you felt before.

524
00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:44,040
Cause the Shroud's been lifted,
right?

525
00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:47,880
Well, I didn't know.
I mean, I knew that what

526
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:52,680
situation was not normal and you
know, it wasn't for anybody.

527
00:27:52,680 --> 00:27:54,520
It wasn't for me.
And this was mostly in high

528
00:27:54,520 --> 00:27:58,640
school time, which was adding
the stress of high school on top

529
00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:01,560
of it made it exponentially
worse.

530
00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:05,800
And then, you know, I'm, I'm
bouncing out of the house every

531
00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:09,120
couple weeks for a day or two
here sleeping in my car and

532
00:28:09,120 --> 00:28:19,920
things like that, that it was
very, I, I don't know what to

533
00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:23,680
say.
You can be deafening.

534
00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:26,000
I don't know when you're when
you're always.

535
00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:29,920
When I, when I got out of that,
when I, when I went to school

536
00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:33,080
and I hadn't gone to school,
like 1819 years old, I was still

537
00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:35,040
going to Nova.
So I was living at home.

538
00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:36,800
I did, you know, and it's like,
why didn't you leave?

539
00:28:36,800 --> 00:28:40,440
And it's like, you know, good
fucking point.

540
00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:43,040
I don't know.
And then I, when I finally went

541
00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:45,720
to, when I finally went to Old
Dominion, I got, got into a

542
00:28:45,720 --> 00:28:48,720
school that I thought I would
finish in and I moved out and

543
00:28:48,720 --> 00:28:54,000
moved there.
My, I was there with three guys

544
00:28:54,000 --> 00:29:04,560
that were loud drunk and not all
of them were stupid, but it was

545
00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:09,640
wow, so quiet.
And, and just like when I, when

546
00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:12,800
I, when I, when I graduated
college and I would come down

547
00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:16,000
there and, you know, I got my
first job and I lived, I lived

548
00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:17,160
at Larchmont buildings
apartments.

549
00:29:17,160 --> 00:29:20,520
I would, I would be there and
then it would come down to visit

550
00:29:20,520 --> 00:29:24,440
and then they would go crazy and
then I would just leave.

551
00:29:24,440 --> 00:29:26,240
And I said, I can't.
What?

552
00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:29,800
No, you don't need to leave.
I'm like, no, I, I don't.

553
00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:33,040
I can't do that anymore.
Because you readjusted.

554
00:29:33,040 --> 00:29:34,800
Yeah, you readjusted.
You saw what the rest of the

555
00:29:34,800 --> 00:29:37,400
world was like in other people.
'S Yeah, well, I mean, it's,

556
00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:43,640
it's, it's OK to do that for a
little while, but 24/7 drives

557
00:29:43,720 --> 00:29:47,720
you absolutely crazy.
Well, I remember when we met Bob

558
00:29:47,720 --> 00:29:50,680
in Coronado and when he said he
first met your father for the

559
00:29:50,680 --> 00:29:53,840
first time, that he didn't
understand what it was like

560
00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:59,640
until that moment and how how
extremely different that

561
00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:03,760
situation was.
Oh yeah, he's all right.

562
00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:06,480
Why?
I heard the neighbor, neighbor

563
00:30:07,000 --> 00:30:12,440
1235 houses away said, oh, it's
all right.

564
00:30:12,880 --> 00:30:16,640
We can hear him screaming all
the time, All the time. 5 houses

565
00:30:16,640 --> 00:30:18,000
away.
Think about that.

566
00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:24,160
Five homes away at the end of
the cul-de-sac and we were at

567
00:30:24,160 --> 00:30:26,280
the beginning of the cul-de-sac
and they could hear us.

568
00:30:27,360 --> 00:30:30,680
Back when the pescus was in the
walls too for extra noise.

569
00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:33,640
Oh, no, it was, it was, it was a
well insulated house.

570
00:30:33,640 --> 00:30:38,680
But, and she said, but, you
know, he wasn't a hitter, you

571
00:30:38,680 --> 00:30:42,720
know, and you're like, well, for
the most part, yeah.

572
00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:47,600
But but what, what I, what I,
what I think that that, that,

573
00:30:47,600 --> 00:30:52,960
that we were talking about loss.
This is, I think, you know, when

574
00:30:52,960 --> 00:30:56,560
you think about loss in general,
you have to think about the

575
00:30:56,560 --> 00:31:00,320
impact that what it was or what
the thing was or what the person

576
00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:04,800
was, what they did for you, how
they, how they made you feel

577
00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:08,560
about yourself.
And that that is a reflection of

578
00:31:08,560 --> 00:31:12,920
what your loss is.
And that's why some people die,

579
00:31:13,240 --> 00:31:17,640
that you just don't give a shit
and or you want to pretend to

580
00:31:17,640 --> 00:31:19,800
give a shit because you're
related to them and you're

581
00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:22,600
supposed to.
And then other people that

582
00:31:22,720 --> 00:31:26,640
you're not supposed to care or a
dog that you're not supposed to

583
00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:30,560
care about as much that you
love, because that thing

584
00:31:31,120 --> 00:31:35,920
approached you every single day
of your life with, with, with a

585
00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:39,000
wagging tail and a happy face
and just loved you

586
00:31:39,600 --> 00:31:42,680
unconditionally and made you
happy.

587
00:31:43,520 --> 00:31:45,760
And it's like when you see that,
I don't know why people would

588
00:31:45,760 --> 00:31:51,440
love cats, but.
I never understood why we did

589
00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:53,280
that either.
I I never understood why we

590
00:31:53,280 --> 00:31:56,600
loved those, those guys when
they were just mean.

591
00:31:56,680 --> 00:31:58,160
They were just.
Yeah, they were funny.

592
00:31:58,200 --> 00:32:02,480
Not I mean, Cassandra was mean.
Fermage was never mean.

593
00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:07,080
Fermage was nice, I'm just just.
Funny and lazy and fat and just

594
00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:10,600
sort of like, Yep, I'm OK, I'm
OK.

595
00:32:10,920 --> 00:32:13,520
She would just avoid people.
Yeah, they all avoided people

596
00:32:13,520 --> 00:32:14,600
for the most.
Part Yeah.

597
00:32:14,960 --> 00:32:18,280
Well, you were a kid.
You were, you know, I remember

598
00:32:18,280 --> 00:32:21,560
when we when we had you and that
and we had relatives to say we

599
00:32:21,560 --> 00:32:23,840
got to get rid of the cats.
Like why?

600
00:32:24,040 --> 00:32:26,000
I mean, you ever hear the wives
tale where the cats come in and

601
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:28,800
sleep on your face and kill you?
Oh yeah, I have heard that.

602
00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:31,080
You're like, well, you know
what's more important, the cat

603
00:32:31,080 --> 00:32:33,440
or the kid?
Well, we haven't determined that

604
00:32:33,440 --> 00:32:35,920
yet.
They do get jealous too.

605
00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:38,400
Animals do get jealous.
Yeah, yeah, I.

606
00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:40,640
Remember my fish got jealous
when I had a hamster?

607
00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:42,440
I remember that.
You what?

608
00:32:42,760 --> 00:32:44,840
My fish got jealous of my
hamster.

609
00:32:44,840 --> 00:32:46,000
The new hamster.
Really.

610
00:32:46,240 --> 00:32:47,040
Yeah.
Wouldn't talk to me.

611
00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:49,360
Wouldn't talk to me for about
two days.

612
00:32:50,240 --> 00:32:53,200
That's why Jenny Dells died.
Maybe, maybe the fish killed.

613
00:32:54,480 --> 00:32:57,840
You know, I still have dreams
sometimes that I forgot to feed

614
00:32:57,840 --> 00:33:01,520
the fish and he's gigantic.
And then there's one I had the

615
00:33:01,520 --> 00:33:05,280
other day where he was like 4
times the size of a normal koi

616
00:33:05,280 --> 00:33:09,480
fish and I forgot to feel and I
couldn't find, I couldn't find

617
00:33:09,480 --> 00:33:12,360
like the the goldfish flanks in
my room.

618
00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:14,360
And it had been three weeks and
he was going to die or

619
00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:16,440
something, or he had already
died and he was going to tank

620
00:33:16,440 --> 00:33:17,720
and I'll wake up in the middle
of the night.

621
00:33:17,760 --> 00:33:19,520
And why am I still dreaming
about this?

622
00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:23,320
So odd.
I have that weird dream about

623
00:33:23,320 --> 00:33:25,720
school.
Mine's fish dream.

624
00:33:26,480 --> 00:33:31,080
Mine mine over and over is I did
not complete my education.

625
00:33:31,080 --> 00:33:32,960
I am.
Which makes me think that I

626
00:33:32,960 --> 00:33:34,960
should probably go back to
school for some silly reason

627
00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:37,440
because I'm 65.
We talked about this in the last

628
00:33:37,440 --> 00:33:38,400
episode.
Yeah, that'd be.

629
00:33:38,400 --> 00:33:39,680
That'd be interesting.
Yeah.

630
00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:41,400
Yeah, I think so.
We talked about you taking a

631
00:33:41,400 --> 00:33:43,720
class of some sort.
Yeah, and I did.

632
00:33:43,960 --> 00:33:45,520
I went and I did the painting
class.

633
00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:50,000
But that's not like I'm talking
like an accredited class, not

634
00:33:50,200 --> 00:33:53,280
not accredited by the bottle
class, you know?

635
00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:58,760
We drank some wine and we and we
painted some pictures at the

636
00:33:58,760 --> 00:34:00,200
Muse Paint.
That was fun.

637
00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:04,000
That was fun and I didn't.
Suffer any loss at all there.

638
00:34:04,320 --> 00:34:06,400
What do you mean loss?
Oh yeah, just in general.

639
00:34:06,600 --> 00:34:08,040
I thought that's what we were
talking about.

640
00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:11,280
You gained some, actually.
You didn't lose some.

641
00:34:11,280 --> 00:34:14,280
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, well, that's funny when you

642
00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:17,120
think about like objects that
you lost.

643
00:34:18,159 --> 00:34:22,040
In my lifetime, there's only one
thing I've ever lost that ever

644
00:34:22,040 --> 00:34:29,800
really mattered.
And when I was probably 5 on, I

645
00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:36,800
collected coins like my, my, my,
my brother worked at a Pizza Ed

646
00:34:36,800 --> 00:34:40,040
Shelton's pizza pizza box.
And people used to come in there

647
00:34:40,040 --> 00:34:41,760
and use mercury Dimes in the
pinball machine.

648
00:34:41,760 --> 00:34:46,040
And he would call me up and say,
hey, you got $1.20, I'll give

649
00:34:46,040 --> 00:34:47,639
you $1.20 worth of mercury
Dimes.

650
00:34:48,400 --> 00:34:52,520
And mercury Dimes were from I
think 1898.

651
00:34:53,400 --> 00:35:01,280
Or. 1889 to 1920 or 1919, which
was a Mercury headed thing on a

652
00:35:01,280 --> 00:35:04,160
little tiny dime and they're
solid silver and they were worth

653
00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:05,840
a lot of money.
So I would give them a hundred,

654
00:35:06,160 --> 00:35:09,640
I'd go give them $1.20 and I'd
get 12 Mercury Dimes.

655
00:35:10,160 --> 00:35:12,920
And I, and it was like this, I'd
see quarters and silver

656
00:35:12,920 --> 00:35:15,200
quarters.
He, you know, I had silver half

657
00:35:15,200 --> 00:35:16,840
dollars and everybody knew that
I collected.

658
00:35:16,840 --> 00:35:18,520
They always gave them to me and
I put them all together.

659
00:35:19,040 --> 00:35:22,840
And even though we were poor and
even though we had nothing, I

660
00:35:22,840 --> 00:35:26,680
had this coin collection gave me
this great amount of self

661
00:35:26,680 --> 00:35:30,200
esteem.
It allowed me to feel that I was

662
00:35:30,200 --> 00:35:34,040
better than you, which I don't
know if it was that.

663
00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:39,520
It was more the, IT made me feel
like I had something that people

664
00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:43,680
didn't and most people I went to
didn't have or collect or have

665
00:35:43,680 --> 00:35:45,760
anything like that.
And I and I had that and that

666
00:35:45,760 --> 00:35:48,080
was something that was very,
very important to me.

667
00:35:48,080 --> 00:35:51,360
I'd saved my grandfather gave me
a bunch of coins.

668
00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:53,880
My, my, all these people are
dead now.

669
00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:59,080
My uncle gave me some coins.
I had a 1853 three cent nickel.

670
00:35:59,080 --> 00:36:02,880
I had a 1853 cent nickel.
I had a 1872 cent piece.

671
00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:08,280
I had AI had a 19 O nine, $2.00
bill, silver certificates, gold

672
00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:11,480
certificates.
I had just an array of different

673
00:36:11,480 --> 00:36:18,840
types of coins from most from
the mid 1850s to the 1920s.

674
00:36:19,200 --> 00:36:22,720
I had just wow, so many.
And I'd like, you know, of

675
00:36:22,720 --> 00:36:27,360
course, I had all the steel set,
the 43, I had those.

676
00:36:27,360 --> 00:36:34,120
I had just like tons of coins.
I remember in 1963, Joseph W

677
00:36:34,120 --> 00:36:38,160
Barr was the Secretary of
Treasury and he did a single

678
00:36:38,160 --> 00:36:40,680
printing of his name on the
dollar bill.

679
00:36:42,440 --> 00:36:44,960
Think about that.
Not that many.

680
00:36:45,000 --> 00:36:47,560
Bills, you had that.
I had 130 of them.

681
00:36:47,920 --> 00:36:51,000
Oh wow.
So I saved them because I would

682
00:36:51,000 --> 00:36:52,400
get them.
People say, well, what did I

683
00:36:52,440 --> 00:36:53,640
say?
Just can I have this dollar?

684
00:36:53,640 --> 00:36:54,800
You take this dollar.
Oh, yeah.

685
00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:59,080
And then I would put it and save
it because a Joseph W barred

686
00:36:59,080 --> 00:37:00,880
bill.
Barred something like that was

687
00:37:00,880 --> 00:37:04,440
worth.
I, those are the one thing that

688
00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:06,880
I had because the wife kept them
separate from my coin

689
00:37:06,880 --> 00:37:09,680
collection, which my coin
selection got stolen when we

690
00:37:09,680 --> 00:37:16,000
were over at Palm Roy Drive.
So in the 1997 it got stolen

691
00:37:16,000 --> 00:37:20,440
from the house.
And that's my big thing, you

692
00:37:20,440 --> 00:37:24,840
know, when it's like objects.
So for me, I tried to think like

693
00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:33,200
if there's anything other than
you wife, dog, dog, that that

694
00:37:33,600 --> 00:37:36,760
matters.
I mean, there's extended family,

695
00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:42,040
my brother, my sister, my
sister-in-law, my other

696
00:37:42,040 --> 00:37:44,040
sister-in-law, my other
sister-in-law, my other

697
00:37:44,040 --> 00:37:45,480
sister-in-law, my
brother-in-law.

698
00:37:45,480 --> 00:37:50,120
I mean there of course them.
But I mean, that was my object.

699
00:37:50,120 --> 00:37:52,480
And if you were to come in and
there's just about anything in

700
00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:56,720
this house that if it got taken,
I'd be like, oh, whatever, I got

701
00:37:56,720 --> 00:37:58,600
the money, we can buy a new one
or it's insured.

702
00:37:58,600 --> 00:38:01,280
Fuck it that I couldn't, you
couldn't.

703
00:38:01,400 --> 00:38:03,320
And she's like, will you have
the money to buy it all new?

704
00:38:03,320 --> 00:38:04,960
And I was like, that's not the
point.

705
00:38:04,960 --> 00:38:10,200
It's not the same thing, yeah.
I can think about like hours of

706
00:38:10,200 --> 00:38:10,880
time.
I did.

707
00:38:10,880 --> 00:38:13,960
There's a kid in 3rd grade,
Chris Hayes.

708
00:38:14,760 --> 00:38:19,480
He brought in coins from his
dad's coin collection.

709
00:38:20,520 --> 00:38:23,800
And I would take money and I
would trade a money for the

710
00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:26,880
coins.
I don't know if he ever got in

711
00:38:26,880 --> 00:38:28,800
trouble for that.
I'm sure he got eventually

712
00:38:28,800 --> 00:38:32,200
caught and beat silly.
But his dad had a big, a big

713
00:38:32,200 --> 00:38:34,440
thing of old coins.
And he would grab a handful and

714
00:38:34,440 --> 00:38:37,280
bring him every day and he'd go
pay for lunch with like a silver

715
00:38:37,280 --> 00:38:42,640
dollar and I'd be.
Like, no, here's a dollar.

716
00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:46,080
He'd be like, yeah, they, they
don't take silver dollars,

717
00:38:46,080 --> 00:38:49,880
assholes.
And I'd be like, OK, if you ever

718
00:38:49,880 --> 00:38:55,680
when you bring your money in in
the morning, you come to me and

719
00:38:55,680 --> 00:38:58,720
see at that point I already had
a savings.

720
00:38:58,720 --> 00:39:01,320
I had a savings account like
first grade.

721
00:39:01,920 --> 00:39:04,160
Wow, did you open it yourself?
You have to have a joint.

722
00:39:04,160 --> 00:39:07,960
Opener No, my parent, my, my, my
dad took me to Piedmont Federal

723
00:39:07,960 --> 00:39:12,440
Savings and Loan.
I went there and we and we

724
00:39:12,520 --> 00:39:17,640
opened it there and it was like
one of those kids programs where

725
00:39:17,640 --> 00:39:22,320
you put money in and, and my
God, every dollar I ever got,

726
00:39:23,520 --> 00:39:27,640
half of it went in there until I
graduated high school.

727
00:39:28,240 --> 00:39:34,880
I had about four grand when I
graduated high school, high

728
00:39:34,880 --> 00:39:38,800
school.
And this was this is off of what

729
00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:41,760
I made money that I made.
And so that allowed me to pay

730
00:39:41,760 --> 00:39:45,960
for my own school and go through
school and all that stuff and,

731
00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:47,960
you know, buy my car and pay my
insurance.

732
00:39:47,960 --> 00:39:49,160
Do you still have that bank
account?

733
00:39:50,440 --> 00:39:52,640
No.
No, yeah, they've been.

734
00:39:53,080 --> 00:39:55,320
They've probably merged like 6
times since then.

735
00:39:55,360 --> 00:39:58,840
You know, there's been a lot of
in the mid 80s, there's a ton of

736
00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:03,240
buy ups and when I moved to,
when I went to Norfolk, I, I

737
00:40:03,480 --> 00:40:06,320
closed that account.
Took all the money and moved it

738
00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:08,520
to an account in Norfolk.
And then Norfolk, I moved it

739
00:40:08,560 --> 00:40:13,160
back and my mother encouraged me
to get a Commerce, Department of

740
00:40:13,160 --> 00:40:14,880
Commerce, Federal Credit Union
accounts.

741
00:40:14,880 --> 00:40:17,680
They usually got a better rate.
And there's a reason because

742
00:40:17,680 --> 00:40:19,760
they're nonprofit, but banks are
not.

743
00:40:20,080 --> 00:40:23,240
And so they have a little higher
interest rate and they have a

744
00:40:23,240 --> 00:40:27,040
little higher and a little lower
fees and you know, they're just

745
00:40:27,040 --> 00:40:31,800
better for the members overall.
So, you know, I and I and I'm,

746
00:40:33,520 --> 00:40:38,800
you can't, you can't beat it.
So I'm a member there and I've

747
00:40:38,800 --> 00:40:43,280
been a member there for, I don't
know, 40 years, 45 years.

748
00:40:44,040 --> 00:40:46,160
It was in my teens when I
started that.

749
00:40:46,160 --> 00:40:48,960
And that's where and then I
would funnel whatever money I

750
00:40:48,960 --> 00:40:52,000
needed from wherever it came.
And that's when I sold the first

751
00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:54,160
company that the president of
the bank called me.

752
00:40:54,880 --> 00:40:56,640
Mr. Brown.
There seems there seems to be an

753
00:40:56,640 --> 00:40:58,920
issue with your account.
What do you mean?

754
00:40:59,000 --> 00:41:02,320
Well, there's been, there's been
a really, really large deposit

755
00:41:02,320 --> 00:41:05,280
today.
And I'm like, oh, I'm sorry, I

756
00:41:05,280 --> 00:41:08,960
forgot to tell you.
I sold a company that we built

757
00:41:08,960 --> 00:41:11,280
for 20 years.
Yeah.

758
00:41:12,280 --> 00:41:15,720
He goes, well, well, we would
appreciate if this is going to

759
00:41:15,720 --> 00:41:17,360
happen again that you call us
and let us know.

760
00:41:17,960 --> 00:41:23,320
We're not ready for that.
You know, it tilted everything.

761
00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:27,520
So that was kind of, wow, funny,
funny, funny.

762
00:41:28,120 --> 00:41:32,120
Yeah, but that does and that
well, that's how small they

763
00:41:32,120 --> 00:41:35,560
were.
Are they still relatively small?

764
00:41:36,800 --> 00:41:38,880
They're a lot bigger now, a lot
bigger.

765
00:41:38,880 --> 00:41:42,640
They're probably 10 times bigger
than they were then, you know?

766
00:41:42,840 --> 00:41:45,400
Oh wow.
Going forward.

767
00:41:45,400 --> 00:41:47,600
So you you got, you got two
dogs.

768
00:41:48,480 --> 00:41:49,960
Well, think about loss.
What about you?

769
00:41:49,960 --> 00:41:50,960
What what?
What about?

770
00:41:50,960 --> 00:41:52,640
Can I show up?
Can I show you the card?

771
00:41:53,360 --> 00:41:56,920
Oh yeah, I mean, if you want to.
I mean, I think about the the

772
00:41:57,200 --> 00:42:02,200
you have, I mean, the thing that
I never had is in high school,

773
00:42:02,320 --> 00:42:05,400
there was there was one guy,
there's a group of guys that

774
00:42:05,400 --> 00:42:10,120
came in and they came into the
high school and they were

775
00:42:10,120 --> 00:42:13,880
getting ready to leave and
they're drinking and they're get

776
00:42:13,960 --> 00:42:17,360
and they jump in the car and
they drive away and they run

777
00:42:17,360 --> 00:42:25,480
into another, they head on into
another high school students and

778
00:42:25,480 --> 00:42:28,480
he gets impaled on the steering
wheel and dies.

779
00:42:30,040 --> 00:42:34,760
So that I remember that very
vividly because I saw them as

780
00:42:34,760 --> 00:42:36,480
they were going out to the car,
the three of them.

781
00:42:37,040 --> 00:42:40,000
Oh, that's even crazier.
Yeah, that's very weird.

782
00:42:40,080 --> 00:42:42,400
I mean, I've seen people in
those situations for

783
00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:45,440
strangeness, you know, and they
were going out and they were,

784
00:42:45,560 --> 00:42:48,880
they were pretty happy and they
left and then they, and then he

785
00:42:48,880 --> 00:42:52,440
died and, you know, it
physically affected the other

786
00:42:52,440 --> 00:42:55,960
people and physically going
through this.

787
00:42:56,640 --> 00:42:59,480
Oh, well, everybody I know has
killed themselves for the most

788
00:42:59,480 --> 00:43:01,160
part.
I mean, that's pretty much, I

789
00:43:01,160 --> 00:43:02,960
mean, that's.
That's why I was going with it.

790
00:43:02,960 --> 00:43:05,480
What I was going is, is that, I
mean, in high school, I didn't

791
00:43:05,480 --> 00:43:10,920
know anybody like, close that
that that died other than and my

792
00:43:10,920 --> 00:43:13,320
grandfather.
I wasn't close to, you know,

793
00:43:13,320 --> 00:43:16,600
Daryl Smith.
I knew him for a month and a

794
00:43:16,920 --> 00:43:17,320
half.
Yeah.

795
00:43:17,640 --> 00:43:20,280
And I felt close to him because
he trusted me.

796
00:43:21,440 --> 00:43:25,760
That was it, you know.
Well, I think he also saw that

797
00:43:25,760 --> 00:43:28,680
you were the same age as his
son, right?

798
00:43:29,000 --> 00:43:30,880
I think you were saying that he.
It might have been a year or two

799
00:43:30,880 --> 00:43:32,440
older.
I don't, you know, they were,

800
00:43:33,120 --> 00:43:34,920
yeah.
Well, I think you carry over

801
00:43:34,920 --> 00:43:39,240
that the fatherly intentions,
right?

802
00:43:39,720 --> 00:43:41,520
Yeah.
Yeah, I think he carried that

803
00:43:41,520 --> 00:43:42,560
over.
Different.

804
00:43:42,840 --> 00:43:43,920
Weird.
Huh.

805
00:43:43,960 --> 00:43:45,960
Oh yeah.
But everybody I know is mainly

806
00:43:45,960 --> 00:43:47,920
just killed themselves.
Yeah.

807
00:43:48,320 --> 00:43:49,600
Yeah, you have.
Like.

808
00:43:49,960 --> 00:43:53,720
Yeah, yeah, a handful probably.
Yeah.

809
00:43:53,720 --> 00:43:58,840
That's not very easy adjusting
to because you blame yourself a

810
00:43:58,840 --> 00:44:00,600
lot of the time.
But you can't blame yourself.

811
00:44:00,640 --> 00:44:03,400
You have to forgive yourself
that you didn't have the power

812
00:44:03,400 --> 00:44:07,000
to alter that situation because
it wasn't yours to alter in the

813
00:44:07,000 --> 00:44:09,640
1st place, right?
And it was their decision and it

814
00:44:09,640 --> 00:44:11,760
was never your decision and at
all.

815
00:44:12,400 --> 00:44:14,320
And there's nothing that you
could have done because there

816
00:44:14,320 --> 00:44:17,320
really wasn't.
There really wasn't at all, and

817
00:44:17,320 --> 00:44:20,120
that's something that took me a
long time to learn.

818
00:44:20,120 --> 00:44:22,640
Well, I mean, you there was
nothing that you could have ever

819
00:44:22,640 --> 00:44:23,360
done.
What?

820
00:44:24,240 --> 00:44:27,720
If you amputated their arms.
Yeah, I'm sure that would that

821
00:44:27,720 --> 00:44:28,640
would really work.
I mean what the?

822
00:44:28,640 --> 00:44:30,720
Fuck, if they've done that
they'd be Live Today all.

823
00:44:31,840 --> 00:44:33,800
Right, man, I I messed up.
I messed up.

824
00:44:33,880 --> 00:44:37,200
Yeah, well, they might.
Have figured out how to just eat

825
00:44:37,200 --> 00:44:38,600
differently.
You know, you never know.

826
00:44:40,760 --> 00:44:44,880
Yeah, but to forgive yourself
because there's nothing you

827
00:44:45,000 --> 00:44:46,160
could have, could have ever
done.

828
00:44:46,160 --> 00:44:49,760
And it took me a long time to
learn that and a lot of mental

829
00:44:49,760 --> 00:44:53,600
anguish, I think as well.
That carried along with that for

830
00:44:53,600 --> 00:44:56,320
a a while.
Yeah.

831
00:44:57,440 --> 00:45:01,560
Oh, I remember in 9th grade,
though, you remember we went to

832
00:45:01,560 --> 00:45:08,520
the the funeral for Leah, right?
That was that was brutal.

833
00:45:08,520 --> 00:45:11,960
Oh my gosh, That was not not an
easy one.

834
00:45:12,400 --> 00:45:14,280
No, was not.
I didn't really know her.

835
00:45:14,520 --> 00:45:17,800
Though yeah, I didn't.
There was 5 people in the car.

836
00:45:17,800 --> 00:45:20,080
She was in the back.
She you know.

837
00:45:20,400 --> 00:45:22,440
Yeah.
Seeing the whole family there

838
00:45:22,440 --> 00:45:27,520
and and somebody in that you
just starting out in life and to

839
00:45:27,520 --> 00:45:29,360
die that way.
I didn't even see people in

840
00:45:29,360 --> 00:45:31,800
their 20s.
It's so weird when somebody dies

841
00:45:31,800 --> 00:45:34,240
at a young age too, because
they're forever that age and

842
00:45:34,240 --> 00:45:36,680
like you can't, you don't
remember them as older because

843
00:45:36,680 --> 00:45:39,160
they never get older.
And I think that's always just

844
00:45:39,160 --> 00:45:43,680
strange, strange thing to me.
Well, that that's a good point

845
00:45:43,680 --> 00:45:50,360
because when my mother died, I
my vision of her is not the, you

846
00:45:50,360 --> 00:45:57,080
know, 40 something, you know,
Pretty Woman feeding the family,

847
00:45:58,360 --> 00:46:01,240
you know, protecting us from the
neighbors.

848
00:46:01,240 --> 00:46:02,960
I remember when she ran after
the neighbor with the baseball

849
00:46:02,960 --> 00:46:03,920
bat.
That was so funny.

850
00:46:04,360 --> 00:46:09,720
And I remember her crippled 115
lbs.

851
00:46:09,720 --> 00:46:18,520
She was, she's about 5-10 like
this all smushed up and sort of

852
00:46:18,520 --> 00:46:21,000
curled.
And she might have been, might

853
00:46:21,720 --> 00:46:26,920
have been 100 lbs and just like
gone.

854
00:46:28,160 --> 00:46:30,760
And I, I can still see the eyes.
I can still see the face and

855
00:46:30,760 --> 00:46:34,040
just and I say to myself, like,
why I should have.

856
00:46:35,000 --> 00:46:37,240
That's my well, that goes back
to a lot of the other episodes

857
00:46:37,240 --> 00:46:38,800
of regrets.
It's like, what did you do?

858
00:46:39,160 --> 00:46:42,000
And it's like that.
That's what that's what my

859
00:46:42,000 --> 00:46:44,560
memory is.
And I try to always pop to the

860
00:46:44,560 --> 00:46:46,680
other memory because I do love
the memory.

861
00:46:46,680 --> 00:46:48,520
When she was chasing the
neighbor down the street with a

862
00:46:48,520 --> 00:46:51,880
baseball bat, that was that is
something I will never.

863
00:46:51,880 --> 00:46:54,440
Ever forget?
I don't understand why we want

864
00:46:54,440 --> 00:46:56,240
to know what it is.
Because the American healthcare

865
00:46:56,240 --> 00:46:59,680
system propagates off the long
term suffering of people.

866
00:46:59,920 --> 00:47:02,000
It does.
And that's why euthanasia isn't

867
00:47:02,000 --> 00:47:04,120
legal in all this.
They collect all the money in

868
00:47:04,120 --> 00:47:05,040
the last few.
Years.

869
00:47:05,040 --> 00:47:06,520
Exactly.
And that's why they're basically

870
00:47:06,520 --> 00:47:09,680
like Sunrise and other homes
like that, because it's a whole

871
00:47:09,680 --> 00:47:11,640
industry based around people
suffering.

872
00:47:11,640 --> 00:47:14,320
Isn't that interesting?
I don't know, I find that a

873
00:47:14,560 --> 00:47:16,960
little.
Well, what they want to do,

874
00:47:17,600 --> 00:47:19,680
Well, here's the thing.
Here's the thing.

875
00:47:21,720 --> 00:47:26,640
What we want is, and what you
will want at some point is we

876
00:47:26,640 --> 00:47:30,640
will become sick, sick and
decrepit and you will say, well

877
00:47:30,640 --> 00:47:32,400
that's cool.
I'm married now.

878
00:47:32,400 --> 00:47:37,480
I have my wife, I have my kid.
I don't want that person who's

879
00:47:37,480 --> 00:47:42,160
sort of falling apart in my
house anymore to deteriorate in

880
00:47:42,160 --> 00:47:44,800
front of my kids and give them
trauma and me too.

881
00:47:44,800 --> 00:47:47,960
And, you know, crap in his pants
and, you know, and fall down on

882
00:47:47,960 --> 00:47:51,400
the chair and spit on the floor
and make all these nasty noises

883
00:47:51,400 --> 00:47:54,920
and just be gross and, and die
in front of us.

884
00:47:55,200 --> 00:47:57,480
Yeah.
No, I wouldn't mean you have

885
00:47:57,480 --> 00:47:59,440
talked about even I'm.
Going to ship them off to a

886
00:47:59,440 --> 00:48:04,360
place to be taken care of and
the most best perfect care they

887
00:48:04,360 --> 00:48:08,120
can do and then I can feel good
about myself.

888
00:48:10,120 --> 00:48:12,960
Well, I just think about, I
don't know, maybe it's just bad

889
00:48:12,960 --> 00:48:16,120
to jump to this conclusion.
The amount of raping that goes

890
00:48:16,120 --> 00:48:19,840
on in those places.
And I'm like, I, I just can't, I

891
00:48:19,840 --> 00:48:23,440
can't not think because when
somebody says elderly care,

892
00:48:23,440 --> 00:48:25,520
that's the first place my mind
goes to.

893
00:48:25,520 --> 00:48:28,400
Maybe that's because I just have
a terrible mind, but I don't

894
00:48:28,400 --> 00:48:29,680
know the amount of articles.
That I've.

895
00:48:29,680 --> 00:48:31,800
Seen and the amount of things
they're like, oh God.

896
00:48:32,000 --> 00:48:34,000
You're terrible.
Yeah, I don't know, but that's

897
00:48:34,000 --> 00:48:35,720
just where it goes.
Well, me and you.

898
00:48:35,800 --> 00:48:38,400
Are just going to get a job
doing being elder care guy not.

899
00:48:39,680 --> 00:48:44,200
Anymore But yeah, I don't know,
just the amount of elder abuse

900
00:48:44,200 --> 00:48:46,640
that goes into those places.
That's why me and you have

901
00:48:46,640 --> 00:48:49,200
always talked about euthanasia
from the time that I was

902
00:48:49,200 --> 00:48:52,240
probably 8 or 9 years old.
I remember you took took me in

903
00:48:52,240 --> 00:48:53,880
your arms when I was 8 or 9.
You're like, you're going to

904
00:48:53,880 --> 00:48:55,280
kill me when you get older right
now.

905
00:48:56,000 --> 00:48:58,280
I'm like, yeah, very, very
clear.

906
00:48:58,280 --> 00:49:00,880
There's, there's, there's,
there's no doubt in your mind.

907
00:49:00,960 --> 00:49:03,280
No, no, there isn't.
There shouldn't be any doubt and

908
00:49:03,280 --> 00:49:04,560
see.
I think the problem is that a

909
00:49:04,560 --> 00:49:06,960
lot of.
People and but I talked to like

910
00:49:06,960 --> 00:49:10,080
Bob and Michelle and she's like,
well, you know, we have all

911
00:49:10,080 --> 00:49:12,600
these people that have these DN
Rs and say that they want to

912
00:49:12,600 --> 00:49:14,160
die, they want to die, they want
to die.

913
00:49:15,240 --> 00:49:18,800
And then it comes right down to
it and we're saying, OK, we're

914
00:49:18,800 --> 00:49:23,200
going to cut this off.
I'm like, I'm OK.

915
00:49:25,320 --> 00:49:27,720
Well, that's the problem with
Kevorkian was.

916
00:49:27,720 --> 00:49:31,320
Was there was a number of people
that they put the 'cause I think

917
00:49:31,320 --> 00:49:34,840
it was, what was it say, a gas
and they put the helmet on.

918
00:49:34,840 --> 00:49:38,200
Man, if you ever see Al Pacino
and I think it was Doctor Jack.

919
00:49:38,600 --> 00:49:42,960
I was a HBO miniseries that was
amazing miniseries.

920
00:49:43,440 --> 00:49:47,280
And he plays Doctor Kevorkian.
But the The thing is, is that it

921
00:49:47,280 --> 00:49:49,880
takes 5 minutes or something
like that.

922
00:49:50,200 --> 00:49:52,360
But a lot of times it's say, no,
no, no, I don't want to do it.

923
00:49:52,360 --> 00:49:54,440
No, I don't want to do it.
When you're 2 minutes into the

924
00:49:54,440 --> 00:49:58,480
five minute process and that's
it's a little, it's a little

925
00:49:58,480 --> 00:50:00,920
scary.
But he was doing this in a van

926
00:50:00,920 --> 00:50:04,560
in the woods sometimes, which is
just wild to me.

927
00:50:04,760 --> 00:50:05,760
Oh my gosh.
Yeah.

928
00:50:06,960 --> 00:50:09,160
Never terminally ill either.
I will know they were.

929
00:50:09,160 --> 00:50:10,400
Terminally ill.
But they were never.

930
00:50:11,040 --> 00:50:13,400
I think it was all had to do
with mental.

931
00:50:14,080 --> 00:50:16,280
They still had a brain.
Yeah, yeah.

932
00:50:16,440 --> 00:50:18,840
Yeah, but if you know if you if.
You have Lou Gehrig's.

933
00:50:18,840 --> 00:50:21,120
Disease and you know that your
body's going to completely fall

934
00:50:21,120 --> 00:50:22,320
apart and your mind's still
there.

935
00:50:22,880 --> 00:50:24,040
No.
No.

936
00:50:24,040 --> 00:50:25,800
Yeah, I can't No.
They.

937
00:50:25,800 --> 00:50:27,720
Wouldn't do things like that.
I think it was dementia

938
00:50:27,720 --> 00:50:30,200
primarily.
You know, if I had one guy with

939
00:50:30,200 --> 00:50:31,840
cancer stage 4.
Cancer.

940
00:50:32,040 --> 00:50:33,440
And Kevorkian was like, I'm not
going to do that.

941
00:50:33,440 --> 00:50:34,600
No, no, no, we're not doing
that.

942
00:50:34,720 --> 00:50:35,400
Really.
Why not?

943
00:50:35,800 --> 00:50:39,240
I think that there were some
things, stipulations that he was

944
00:50:39,240 --> 00:50:40,720
against, if I remember
correctly.

945
00:50:40,760 --> 00:50:42,160
Wow.
Yeah.

946
00:50:42,600 --> 00:50:46,400
Well, I.
Think that you know not to be

947
00:50:46,400 --> 00:50:48,280
weird, but my.
Body my choice.

948
00:50:49,560 --> 00:50:55,000
I mean, and after that I don't I
don't understand why that anyone

949
00:50:55,000 --> 00:51:02,360
has a right to stop me from
ending, you know, life, liberty

950
00:51:02,440 --> 00:51:06,480
and the pursuit of happiness.
Well, now I wonder my happiness

951
00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:07,760
and my.
Liberty.

952
00:51:08,160 --> 00:51:12,720
Which allows me to do what I
want now, you know?

953
00:51:13,080 --> 00:51:15,320
Well, now I'm wondering if the
stipulations were primarily.

954
00:51:15,760 --> 00:51:19,240
His to make or they were the
governments 'cause he was

955
00:51:19,240 --> 00:51:22,680
rioting.
A very thin line of laws between

956
00:51:22,680 --> 00:51:26,080
committing a massive crime and
then on the legal side.

957
00:51:26,080 --> 00:51:29,040
And it might have actually been
regulatory, yeah.

958
00:51:29,040 --> 00:51:32,960
Rules that stopped him from
terminal cancer.

959
00:51:32,960 --> 00:51:36,400
Yeah, that's weird.
Great miniseries, though.

960
00:51:36,400 --> 00:51:37,640
Go watch it.
Oh, my gosh.

961
00:51:37,640 --> 00:51:39,480
Fantastic.
Horrible.

962
00:51:39,560 --> 00:51:40,640
Think about that and you're
just.

963
00:51:40,640 --> 00:51:44,280
Like really, no, it should be.
It should be legalized

964
00:51:44,400 --> 00:51:45,720
nationwide.
I don't understand.

965
00:51:45,720 --> 00:51:47,640
Oh I think so.
I don't think it would be

966
00:51:47,680 --> 00:51:50,720
easier.
Because the healthcare industry

967
00:51:50,720 --> 00:51:52,160
would lose so much money.
And that's the.

968
00:51:52,160 --> 00:51:56,200
Thing right I mean think about
that well yeah how much money

969
00:51:56,200 --> 00:51:58,000
when you.
Look at when you look.

970
00:51:58,440 --> 00:52:00,920
At.
The US and the world population

971
00:52:00,920 --> 00:52:05,720
as a whole, we're we're getting.
Smaller so.

972
00:52:05,800 --> 00:52:10,640
We have a much larger older
population and a younger, a

973
00:52:11,560 --> 00:52:14,520
less, a less large, younger
population.

974
00:52:14,520 --> 00:52:17,840
It's the largest one we've ever
had and it's continued into and,

975
00:52:17,840 --> 00:52:21,840
and that we're, you know, the
average age of our population is

976
00:52:21,840 --> 00:52:25,040
much older than it's ever been
and it's growing.

977
00:52:25,280 --> 00:52:26,600
It isn't.
It isn't like we're.

978
00:52:26,680 --> 00:52:30,080
We're not having kids faster
than people are dying.

979
00:52:31,000 --> 00:52:33,080
OK, let me how you can say the
world.

980
00:52:33,080 --> 00:52:35,400
Who wants to have a kid?
Now, and you look at the and

981
00:52:35,440 --> 00:52:37,360
we're keeping people alive
longer.

982
00:52:37,720 --> 00:52:42,680
So we have this, the tail end of
your life is this heap of shit.

983
00:52:42,960 --> 00:52:46,080
You know, unless you do
something about it, if you can,

984
00:52:47,400 --> 00:52:49,560
there's always that caveat,
cause a lot of people don't have

985
00:52:49,560 --> 00:52:52,200
the choice if they've got
diabetes, if they have all these

986
00:52:52,200 --> 00:52:55,000
different things that and then
it's like, well.

987
00:52:58,080 --> 00:53:02,360
Yes, that just.
Very, very tough questions.

988
00:53:02,360 --> 00:53:05,960
But I mean for me, I think that
that you know how I feel.

989
00:53:06,600 --> 00:53:09,080
No, yes, no.
I've known how you felt from.

990
00:53:09,080 --> 00:53:12,600
The time that I was, I have not
changed my mind really.

991
00:53:12,600 --> 00:53:14,480
Not yet.
OK, I don't think.

992
00:53:14,480 --> 00:53:16,640
It's going to get changed,
That's the one thing is if you

993
00:53:16,640 --> 00:53:18,840
ever look at.
That and you ever have to worry

994
00:53:18,840 --> 00:53:23,280
and say, well, there was that
one time he had doubt, Fuck,

995
00:53:23,280 --> 00:53:25,720
that never happened.
I don't think I can't think of

996
00:53:25,720 --> 00:53:27,960
one time that you actually have.
Had doubt about this.

997
00:53:28,360 --> 00:53:30,960
I would tell you.
I would tell you absolutely.

998
00:53:30,960 --> 00:53:34,160
Because, and I have been so
definitive about that because I,

999
00:53:34,240 --> 00:53:38,240
when I've seen it and I've
watched it and I've watched over

1000
00:53:38,240 --> 00:53:43,520
and over and over again.
And for me, for me, one of the

1001
00:53:43,520 --> 00:53:48,720
things that that I've learned is
that I don't want that.

1002
00:53:49,280 --> 00:53:55,560
I don't want your last memory of
me to be a shriveled up mushroom

1003
00:53:56,120 --> 00:53:59,320
with snot running out of his
nose and his ears and no hair on

1004
00:53:59,320 --> 00:54:03,120
his head and vomiting in the
street and and then you got to

1005
00:54:03,120 --> 00:54:05,680
wipe my ass and all that.
I don't want that.

1006
00:54:06,760 --> 00:54:11,000
I, I don't want that.
I want you to see he was alive.

1007
00:54:11,560 --> 00:54:13,920
He knew what he was doing.
He had his faculties.

1008
00:54:14,000 --> 00:54:16,800
He was dead.
I mean, that's why some of the

1009
00:54:16,800 --> 00:54:20,760
times when I, when I look at
who's the one, the, who's your

1010
00:54:20,760 --> 00:54:24,360
author?
Author Hemingway was the Yeah,

1011
00:54:24,360 --> 00:54:27,160
the Hunter S Thompson.
Other one he but he had stage. 4

1012
00:54:27,160 --> 00:54:29,920
cancer or something and he came
to him and he said he was done

1013
00:54:30,360 --> 00:54:33,840
and he blew his brains out, you
know, which I think is a noble

1014
00:54:33,840 --> 00:54:36,280
thing.
To do as well except the cleanup

1015
00:54:36,280 --> 00:54:38,960
that's kind of messed up the
cleanup well see that's what how

1016
00:54:38,960 --> 00:54:43,120
do you how do you do that and.
Then you know, 'cause it's in

1017
00:54:43,120 --> 00:54:45,800
theory it would be her, my wife
or you.

1018
00:54:45,800 --> 00:54:51,120
And it's like, I don't want to
leave my dead body for you to

1019
00:54:51,120 --> 00:54:53,120
see.
Oh no, we would do a legal

1020
00:54:53,120 --> 00:54:54,360
euthanasia.
Kind of deal.

1021
00:54:54,360 --> 00:54:56,840
See, that's why I would just
say, hey Sweden, put me in the.

1022
00:54:56,840 --> 00:54:58,960
Little you know the What was
that thing?

1023
00:54:58,960 --> 00:55:01,520
The dye pod from The Simpsons?
Remember that.

1024
00:55:01,520 --> 00:55:03,400
Yeah.
And then do you know I want to

1025
00:55:03,400 --> 00:55:05,920
hear it turns.
Into a it turns into a Cuisinart

1026
00:55:07,320 --> 00:55:09,360
Quiznos I went to.
The other day, you know

1027
00:55:09,440 --> 00:55:11,240
Cuisinart.
You know what Cuisinart is?

1028
00:55:11,960 --> 00:55:13,880
Like an oven?
No, it chops you.

1029
00:55:13,880 --> 00:55:18,960
All up and the sushi.
Are you talking about Mr. Brown

1030
00:55:18,960 --> 00:55:21,480
sashimi, Yeah.
No, no, they would just spread

1031
00:55:21,480 --> 00:55:22,600
me out on the ground, man.
And.

1032
00:55:22,600 --> 00:55:25,440
You know, I would be the best
fertilizer.

1033
00:55:25,880 --> 00:55:27,560
The best.
I'm really full of shit.

1034
00:55:30,080 --> 00:55:32,440
Oh, that's great.
How cool would that be?

1035
00:55:32,560 --> 00:55:34,040
Do you remember that?
The.

1036
00:55:34,040 --> 00:55:38,400
Simpsons episode, The Dipod
thing where it was Abe was going

1037
00:55:38,400 --> 00:55:39,920
in there and it was like, what
do you want to see?

1038
00:55:39,920 --> 00:55:43,560
And it was like, I want to see
cops beating up hippies to the

1039
00:55:43,560 --> 00:55:47,800
sound of, oh, God, what was it?
It was some jazz artist.

1040
00:55:47,800 --> 00:55:50,440
It was like Miles Davis or
something.

1041
00:55:50,680 --> 00:55:52,600
Yeah, it was so.
It was so funny.

1042
00:55:53,080 --> 00:55:56,880
But do you know?
That that there was a movie

1043
00:55:56,880 --> 00:56:01,040
called Soylent Green came out of
the 60s with Charlton Heston.

1044
00:56:01,040 --> 00:56:03,760
And they had a dye.
Pod and it was based on that.

1045
00:56:04,240 --> 00:56:07,080
I think it was because he went
into the dye pod.

1046
00:56:07,080 --> 00:56:08,160
It's like, what do you want to
see?

1047
00:56:08,400 --> 00:56:09,880
He said.
I want to see how the world used

1048
00:56:09,880 --> 00:56:12,080
to be.
And they showed all the pictures

1049
00:56:12,080 --> 00:56:14,720
and the and the and the
waterfalls.

1050
00:56:14,720 --> 00:56:18,920
He's like and what kind of sound
I want Tchaikowski or whatever

1051
00:56:18,920 --> 00:56:20,200
and they play that in the
background.

1052
00:56:20,200 --> 00:56:23,520
It's beautiful and you're
watching and he goes you got 11

1053
00:56:23,520 --> 00:56:28,320
minutes of this and then you're
and they slowly put ever

1054
00:56:28,320 --> 00:56:30,560
whatever is into you euphoria
and then you're dead.

1055
00:56:31,400 --> 00:56:34,000
Unlike what they do to the
prisoners would you know, I

1056
00:56:34,040 --> 00:56:36,840
don't get it.
It's really expensive and

1057
00:56:36,840 --> 00:56:39,280
honestly a.
Firing line would be more humane

1058
00:56:39,280 --> 00:56:43,240
at this point because apparently
the amount of the amount of pain

1059
00:56:43,240 --> 00:56:46,520
you get from the injections
because it's the pink stuff is a

1060
00:56:46,520 --> 00:56:50,720
really expensive stuff is pretty
freaking intense from what I've

1061
00:56:50,760 --> 00:56:54,600
I've heard, wouldn't you think
not not to go.

1062
00:56:54,600 --> 00:57:00,160
Just we got 20 some thousand
people die a year of fentanyl

1063
00:57:00,160 --> 00:57:05,520
overdose that wouldn't you And
people are always saying hey you

1064
00:57:05,520 --> 00:57:08,680
can you can kill 12 people with
the amount of fentanyl you put

1065
00:57:08,680 --> 00:57:12,560
on the end of a pen head and
you're like well why wouldn't we

1066
00:57:12,560 --> 00:57:15,480
use that Yeah, I really don't
understand well also at the

1067
00:57:15,480 --> 00:57:17,400
same.
Time probably the private prison

1068
00:57:17,400 --> 00:57:20,920
system is making money off of
the said chemical right in some

1069
00:57:20,920 --> 00:57:22,200
way.
There's no way the

1070
00:57:22,200 --> 00:57:23,920
pharmaceutical companies are
selling.

1071
00:57:23,920 --> 00:57:25,920
It to them, but remember they
don't want them to know it

1072
00:57:26,000 --> 00:57:28,280
'cause it's like $15,000 for
those shots.

1073
00:57:28,360 --> 00:57:31,000
It's really expensive, yeah.
You don't want.

1074
00:57:31,400 --> 00:57:33,320
Well, Pfizer doesn't.
Want you to know they make it

1075
00:57:34,320 --> 00:57:36,920
and they'll deny if they may
that they may exactly and then

1076
00:57:36,960 --> 00:57:38,840
somebody's making money on it
well.

1077
00:57:38,840 --> 00:57:41,560
Because people will come in pro.
In protest and say, Pfizer,

1078
00:57:41,560 --> 00:57:43,480
we're not going to use your
drugs anymore because you're

1079
00:57:43,480 --> 00:57:47,480
this and, you know, and you're
just like, oh God, you know,

1080
00:57:47,480 --> 00:57:51,200
wow.
Yes.

1081
00:57:51,560 --> 00:57:53,200
And we don't have to reserve a
bit here.

1082
00:57:55,120 --> 00:57:56,080
We're in about an.
Hour.

1083
00:57:56,200 --> 00:57:59,160
About an hour.
I see an hour 12. 12 minutes.

1084
00:57:59,280 --> 00:58:02,040
There we go, we started.
We started, I think.

1085
00:58:02,040 --> 00:58:04,080
At 7:00.
Or 9 something like that.

1086
00:58:04,240 --> 00:58:06,400
I think we're pretty, pretty
wrapped up on this side.

1087
00:58:06,400 --> 00:58:07,000
What do you think?
Yeah.

1088
00:58:07,760 --> 00:58:09,120
Yeah, that was a great
conversation.

1089
00:58:09,680 --> 00:58:11,480
This was definitely.
One of my favorites I I.

1090
00:58:11,560 --> 00:58:13,600
I feel good.
I was going to cry because I

1091
00:58:13,600 --> 00:58:15,160
brought I, I.
Mean before we go, I have a

1092
00:58:15,160 --> 00:58:17,280
letter, I have my mother's
eulogy.

1093
00:58:18,000 --> 00:58:23,000
And this is the one that I, I
wrote this and, and it was my,

1094
00:58:23,000 --> 00:58:26,480
it was basically a letter where
I wrote and I said, I put this

1095
00:58:26,480 --> 00:58:29,040
together and a thank you letter
to my mom and I went through and

1096
00:58:29,040 --> 00:58:31,720
I said, I thank you for moving
from Orlander to Woodbridge.

1097
00:58:31,760 --> 00:58:34,440
Thank you for letting us know
that we were.

1098
00:58:35,800 --> 00:58:37,120
Thank you for not letting us
know.

1099
00:58:37,120 --> 00:58:39,520
That we're poor because I never.
Realized we were until we

1100
00:58:39,520 --> 00:58:41,560
weren't.
Thank you for giving me a

1101
00:58:41,560 --> 00:58:43,480
sister, two brothers.
Thank you for being a

1102
00:58:43,480 --> 00:58:45,080
breadwinner.
Thank you for Sundays at Prince

1103
00:58:45,080 --> 00:58:46,600
William Park.
Thank you for teaching each and

1104
00:58:46,600 --> 00:58:47,760
everyone.
That's self-sufficient.

1105
00:58:48,080 --> 00:58:49,520
I'm.
I'm summarizing.

1106
00:58:50,200 --> 00:58:51,960
Thank you for standing up for us
when we were small.

1107
00:58:51,960 --> 00:58:54,120
Thank you for picking up an
occasional stray dog.

1108
00:58:54,320 --> 00:58:56,800
Thank you for summer vacations.
Thank you for showing all the

1109
00:58:56,800 --> 00:58:59,960
importance of education, not
just what you study in

1110
00:58:59,960 --> 00:59:02,360
education, but what would matter
in life later.

1111
00:59:02,360 --> 00:59:04,280
Or thank you for pushing me to
apply to college.

1112
00:59:04,640 --> 00:59:07,480
Thank you for showing by
example, importance of hard

1113
00:59:07,480 --> 00:59:09,960
work, reliability,
responsibility, and of course,

1114
00:59:10,040 --> 00:59:12,640
loyalty.
Thank you for thinking about

1115
00:59:12,640 --> 00:59:14,920
your kids first.
Thank you for showing me your

1116
00:59:14,920 --> 00:59:17,200
love of flowers, trees, and all
animals in plant life.

1117
00:59:17,200 --> 00:59:21,360
Thank you for loaning me money I
need to start my first business.

1118
00:59:21,360 --> 00:59:23,680
Thank you for having faith in me
when others didn't.

1119
00:59:24,000 --> 00:59:26,480
Thank you for trusting us with
your future and your life three

1120
00:59:26,480 --> 00:59:28,160
years ago when this nightmare
began.

1121
00:59:28,800 --> 00:59:33,080
I hope we didn't let you down.
Thank you for your strength when

1122
00:59:33,080 --> 00:59:39,560
I've been left to give.
And most of all, thank you for

1123
00:59:39,560 --> 00:59:41,880
your love.
Wow.

1124
00:59:43,200 --> 00:59:46,400
That's great, touching me over
here.

1125
00:59:46,400 --> 00:59:48,480
You know that.
And I didn't even really know

1126
00:59:48,480 --> 00:59:51,000
her at all.
I remember, I think my only

1127
00:59:51,000 --> 00:59:56,040
experience was in the back of
the the car that one time.

1128
00:59:56,480 --> 00:59:59,640
But from what she what you've
told she's trying to kill you.

1129
00:59:59,640 --> 01:00:02,400
Yeah.
But from what you?

1130
01:00:02,400 --> 01:00:05,120
What you've told about me, she
was a a wonderful, wonderfully

1131
01:00:05,320 --> 01:00:10,480
strong woman who changed her
life for the better, you know,

1132
01:00:10,560 --> 01:00:12,560
in so many, so many ways.
Yeah.

1133
01:00:13,920 --> 01:00:15,120
That's good.
Yeah.

1134
01:00:15,440 --> 01:00:17,120
Thank you for reading that.
I know that's not easy.

1135
01:00:17,400 --> 01:00:20,800
Yeah, no, I don't think it gets
easier, does it?

1136
01:00:21,200 --> 01:00:25,600
We just get, we just try to
adjust Netflix.

1137
01:00:27,920 --> 01:00:29,480
I mean five years.
Ago.

1138
01:00:29,480 --> 01:00:31,600
Wow. 25 years ago.
Yeah.

1139
01:00:33,720 --> 01:00:36,080
Touching me.
Gosh, Yeah.

1140
01:00:36,280 --> 01:00:39,240
Got to go all right.
So that was our episode for this

1141
01:00:39,240 --> 01:00:40,960
week.
Guys, catch us next week.

1142
01:00:40,960 --> 01:00:44,120
We're going to be doing an
interview with FJ McMahon, A

1143
01:00:44,120 --> 01:00:47,960
musician a long time.
I've been a long time fan of his

1144
01:00:47,960 --> 01:00:50,880
work and he's a great folk
artist.

1145
01:00:50,880 --> 01:00:54,240
So look forward to that next
week as we prepare this week for

1146
01:00:54,240 --> 01:00:56,960
that interview.
As always, Record of my father

1147
01:00:56,960 --> 01:00:59,880
podcast, Record of my father
pod, a record of my father

1148
01:00:59,880 --> 01:01:03,640
podcast.com, right?
Do you have any parting words

1149
01:01:03,640 --> 01:01:10,320
here?
It doesn't suck to hug those

1150
01:01:10,320 --> 01:01:13,440
people you love.
Nope, it surely doesn't.

1151
01:01:14,000 --> 01:01:15,440
And on that note, thank you
guys.

1152
01:01:15,440 --> 01:01:16,280
We'll talk to you later.